Greek mythology gives us the famous story of Narcissus, a young man who was incredibly handsome. In the myth, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water, although he thought he was looking at someone else. In the 19th century, psychiatrists began using the term “narcissism” to describe people who are excessively focused on themselves.
While we may have a negative view of narcissism, Sigmund Freud believed it was a normal stage of human development. Infants are self-absorbed and demanding for the sake of survival. But as we grow older, we hopefully move away from self-centeredness and find value and meaning in others. Those who do not appear to make this transition are considered to be “childish.”
I personally don’t want to be seen as “childish” which is why, in the past, I would not have classified myself as narcissistic. Lately, I have concluded we all have a narcissistic part that can be activated by others. Most manage this part effectively, but some adopt destructive behaviors and a few develop a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in which their lives and relationships are controlled by their unhealthy sense of self-importance.
I hesitate to use the term “healthy narcissism”, but I now believe it is wise to see this as something normal, and not necessarily damaging. We might even use humor to expose this trait in each other; to hold each other accountable. Well-timed and intentioned zingers such as “Who died and made you King?” or “It must be wonderful to always be right” can restore our perspective.
Recently, I have been pondering what might have been going on in Jesus’ mind when His disciples acted out their narcissism. Consider the case of James and John who bore the nickname “Sons of Thunder”. While we aren’t told who gave them this title or why, we gain some insight in the 9th chapter of Luke. Jesus had sent His disciples into a Samaritan village to announce His arrival, but when the town’s people learned their Master was on His way to Jerusalem, they rejected Him. You may be aware there was some bad blood between Jews and Samaritans. When James and John “saw this” they asked “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” Jesus rebuked them, and opted for another village. It seems the Samaritans stirred James and John’s narcissism by disrespecting their sense of self-importance as followers of Jesus. Jesus quickly redirected them.
Another event involving James and John is recorded in Mark 10. They approached Jesus to request seats on his right and left hand, which were preeminent positions of power in the political world. Jesus replied, “You don’t know what you are asking” (Mark 10:38). He knew, if they continued in His service they would face severe persecution. Jesus continued, “Can you drink the cup I drink or be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with?” James and John exclaimed, “We can.” Did James and John fully understand the danger they would face as Jesus’ disciples? Probably not. But they weren’t going to let anyone accuse them of cowardice.
James and John almost certainly engaged in arguments with the other disciples regarding who was the “greatest” in Jesus’ kingdom. In Matthew 18:3, Jesus used the example of a child’s heart to demonstrate how His Father defined greatness. In fairness to James and John, I should point out that narcissistic tendencies were evident in other disciples. Some use the word “impulsive” to describe Peter, but narcissism also applies. We witness it when he denied he was capable of denying Jesus.
I place the disciples’ actions somewhere on the narcissistic scale between “healthy” and “destructive”, but not pathological. The exception might be Judas, but we simply don’t know his rationale for stealing from the other disciples and selling Jesus out. I realize not everyone may be willing to associate the disciples with narcissism. I understand, yet my goal here is to demonstrate that it is only human to have our perceptions of self-importance ignite something inside. This may occur in response to an unkind act, a feeling that we are being overlooked or disrespected or our personal perception that others view us as inferiors. If you don’t see this in yourself, I challenge you to consider how you responded the last time you were unhappy with the way you were treated by a someone you were paying for a service.
If you will travel with me in this proposition for a moment, I would like to address some possible ways we can prevent our narcissism from becoming an obstacle in our relationships. I include our relationship with God in this statement. I believe one great place to explore this discipline is in Jesus’ interactions with His disciples, along with some of His teaching to the same.
Above all, Jesus countered narcissism with His example of humble servanthood and the wise management of His celebrity status. If every anyone could rightly claim a high view of Himself, it was Jesus. He was the Son of God, King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Yet, Jesus, “Who, being in very natureGod, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very natureof a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:6-8) The question of how Jesus’ human nature might have tempted Him with narcissistic pursuits is an interesting one, which I will not explore here. We can say Jesus did not sin and remained confident in His identity and mission. With this in mind, let’s turn our attention to our Savior’s mentorship of His imperfect disciples with some anti-narcissistic tips:
Tip #1: Jesus refused to fuel His disciples’ negative behavior by overreacting to their misguided sense of importance, and frequently redirected them to more positive pursuits. As I have noted, when James and John wanted to call fire down from heaven to destroy the Samaritan village, Jesus rebuked them and merely moved to another location. He could have said, “How dare they! Never mind the fire. I’ll go in there myself and remind them who I am! I’ll teach them to reject me!” By choosing a better path, Jesus avoided creating a wider rift between Himself and the Samaritans and provided His disciples with an important lesson in choosing their battles.
Jesus wasn’t running from conflict when He chose to go where He was welcome. Rather, He was defusing a tense situation by focusing His disciples on His mission instead of historic grievances they had with the Samaritans. We can do the same. It is good to always ask, “How can I best serve the kingdom with my words and actions?” When we put mission over resentment, we keep our narcissism in control, and move forward to a place where God is honored.
Tip #2: Jesus was realistic about greatness. When James and John asked to sit at His right and left, Jesus challenged them to consider what their request would cost. He asked them if they were willing to drink from the “cup”, which they may have assumed was a silver chalice used by important people. Of course, Jesus was referring to the cup of suffering, such as the one He would drink from on the cross. Had the disciples truly understood the sacrifices they would be called on to make, they might not have been as eager to have the chief seats in the kingdom.
We often overestimate the rewards of human ambition. I like to call this the “If only” syndrome. “If only I had more opportunities.” “If only I had more money.” “If only someone would recognize my talent.” “If only others would allow to be in their friendship circles.” I am not suggesting these kinds of desires are always misguided. We probably all know people who could have accomplished more with their life if they had received a little help from others. However, as wise older Christians have told me, “Be careful what you pray for.” It is easy to romanticize how our lives could be different “If only”, but maybe where we see ourselves is not where God wants us to be. Yes, I believe in holding on to our dreams and not succumbing to those who play down our potential. In fact, I will go so far as to say, “Shame on those who try to define our future!” On the other hand, we must beware of narcissistic thinking that refuses to consider how God has wired us, ignores the advice of others and fails to accept the suffering we might have to endure to achieve our goals.
Tip #3: Jesus chose servanthood over “one-upmanship”. “One-upmanship” occurs when other’s accomplishments or blessings trigger our narcissistic traits and we feel compelled to describe our own good fortune, which happens to be greater than theirs. When Jesus approached Peter in the Upper Room to wash his feet, Peter initially refused. He said, “You will never wash my feet!” (John 13:8) I don’t see this as an act of humility, where Peter felt uncomfortable having his Master serve him. Instead, I sense Peter didn’t want to see Jesus in a servant role because it diminished his own self-importance. If Jesus was made to appear smaller, then that meant Peter was even smaller. When Jesus replied, “Unless I wash you, you have no part of me”, Peter immediately declared, “Not just my feet, but my hands and head as well!” I think this was Peter’s way of saying, “If this is how you want to make a statement about my close association with you, then please; give me the treatment!” I will admit, this is a personal viewpoint on my part, but if it is true in the slightest, it explains how individuals can feel threatened when someone they idolize is criticized or humbled.
In Peter’s defense, he didn’t have the ability we have to look back on this event in the Upper Room and understand Jesus was preparing His disciples for His ultimate sacrificial gift on Calvary. But we can certainly learn from what occurred. It is OK to let someone else give us something we can’t give ourselves. To be taught something we don’t know. To hear a pearl of wisdom that never occurred to us. And yes, to honor something important that is happening in someone else’s life.
There are many other examples in the Bible of situations where narcissistic feelings were stirred. And allow me to reiterate: this is very human and not problematic unless our words and actions become destructive or pathological. However, the one big lesson I take from my own battle with narcissism is that I can decide what I am going to do with my internal reactions. I can be honest with myself about what is happening and ask God to help me lift up others, or I can fall into the habit of thinking I have to defend my sense of self-importance by proving what I know, how good I am, or how much I have accomplished. My appeal here is that we would try to do the former.
I have a sneaking suspicion that some of the things we say and do in the name of personal opinion are nothing more than a reaction to a perceived attack on some impression we have of ourselves which may not be completely true. I am not saying this is always the case, but rather that we should be suspicious why we behave the way we do.
I should add, in closing, that our true worth is not a result of realized human ambition, but the truth that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) and of such value God sent His Son to die in our place. We are made great through Jesus’ righteousness alone and our willingness to surrender our all to Him.
I honestly don’t know how Jesus was able to resist saying, “Excuse me! Do you have any idea what a big deal I am in heaven?” But instead, He picked up a towel and washed feet. Maybe a little foot-washing would help all of us keep our narcissism in check.
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