Are we friends?  At the risk of placing our relationship in peril, allow me to share some random thoughts on the subject. 

In the secular world, British Anthropologist Robin Dunbar is known for his “Circles of Friendship” in which he concludes the average human can only maintain 150 friendships.  Of these 50 are “good friends”, 15 are “best friends”, 5 are “close friends” and 1.5 are “intimates”.  Of course, in our culture, we can claim thousands of friends on Facebook, some of whom may be complete strangers.  We have workplace friends, business friends and the cashier who says “Thank you, my friend”.  Indeed, the question “Are we friends?” can be difficult to process.

Aside from these considerations, friendships can be fickle.  People speak of “ending” a friendship or learning who their “true” friends are when their lives fall apart.  You may also be aware of the practice of “catfishing” in which someone creates an online identity and pretends to be a friend to scam the unsuspecting.    

I have been pondering the subject of friendship in my ongoing fascination with human nature.  This in a culture that is becoming increasingly polarized.  And yes, I have personally felt the sting of broken friendships for reasons I still do not fully comprehend.

Considering these realities, we might ask why we bother with relationships.  Yet, in our better moments, we acknowledge it is because we are wired to share our lives with others.  From infancy to old age, we need friends.  This being the case, and since there are so many kinds of friends, I have decided to seek greater definition of friendship in a person; the person of Jesus.

I have heard about the friendship Jesus offers throughout my life.  A Christian hymn tells me “There’s Not a Friend Like the Lowly Jesus”, and another exclaims, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”.  A Children’s Minister once told me Jesus is my “Forever Friend”.  And in my work with the homeless, more than one has told me “Jesus is my only friend”.  This leads to the contemplate, “How does Jesus describe friendship?”

I begin my quest by noting that Jesus operates outside of Robin Dunbar’s Circles of Friendship model.  As the very Son of God and our Co-Creator, Jesus knows each and every one of us intimately.  During His ministry Jesus demonstrated His ability to read minds and motives, and His full knowledge of one’s past, present and future.  But because Jesus understood human limitations, He invited a small group of disciples to walk closely with Him.  This allowed them to journey together within Dunbar’s “good friends” circle, though based on their behavior toward one another we might not consider them as such. 

This leads to my first observation of friendship, as defined by Jesus.  Jesus expressed His friendship toward the twelve by sharing knowledge with them that was not ready for public consumption.  In the Upper Room, He described them as “branches” who were attached to Himself, the “Vine”.  As a result, He was willing to give them insights into His “business”.  In John 15:15, He stated, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you”.  Therefore, one vital characteristic of friendship, according to Jesus, is the ability to share information with people who will respect confidentiality and value what has been entrusted to them.  This means a friend is someone we can trust with our thoughts, dreams, struggles and victories. 

A second way in which Jesus proved friendship was through His love for sinners.  This category includes all of us, but in Jesus’ ministry it specifically referred to people who were cast aside by the religious elite due to the gravity of their sins or circumstances.  Even the blind and sick were shunned because it was believed their illnesses or impairments were a result of sin.  Jesus spoke to, touched and ate with these individuals, much to the displeasure of the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law.  He once observed, “The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners” (Matthew 11:19). 

People who feel they have little worth desperately need someone to do as Jesus did.  To speak to them.  To touch them.  To eat with them.  The greatest gift we can give someone who believes God has rejected them is our attention.  Fully grasping our own sinfulness, and reach out in love to someone trying to find their way home, we display friendship.  I think this must be the kind of friendship Johnson Oatman Jr. had in mind when he wrote this verse in his hymn, “There’s Not a Friend Like the Lowly Jesus”: “Did ever saint find this Friend forsake him? No, not one! no, not one! Or sinner find that He would not take him? No, not one! no, not one!” There are countless people who need someone to remind them they have a friend in Jesus, and our own friendship is one way we can lead them in this direction.

Finally, Jesus said the ultimate expression of friendship is found in sacrifice.  Alluding to Himself, Jesus spoke these words to His disciples in the Upper Room: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).  In His statement, Jesus used the word for “agape”, which conveys sacrificial love.  Without doubt, His death on the cross for the sins of the world was the perfect expression of this love. 

While we do not have the authority to die for others’ sins, and we may never be called on to give up our lives for a friend, we can still “take up our cross daily” (John 9:23).  In so doing, we deny our own desires for the sake of another, and in the name of Jesus.  Sacrifice is a very personal act, but its impact on others can be dramatic.  If you have heard someone testify, “No one has ever done something like that for me”, then you know the power of sacrificial love, regardless of the level of self-denial. 

There are several other friendship points to be made in Jesus’ ministry, and a treasure trove of examples to be found throughout scripture.  But perhaps, this very brief glance at Jesus, our friend, will lead us to evaluate whether or not our concept of friendship has been negatively influenced by our environment.  If nothing else, it should dispel any notion that a Facebook friend is inherently similar to the friendship Jesus espoused.

I close by returning to the words of the homeless I shared at the beginning of this devotion.  I recalled those who have told me, “Jesus is my only friend”.  Sadly, this is often not a true statement as I know from experience people who feel forgotten by the world often have friends who care deeply about them.  Nevertheless, when one thinks there is nothing left in life and is caught up in a hopeless cycle of shame and sorrow, sometimes the only friend who comes to mind is the One he believes will listen when he cries out; the one who told the thief on the cross, “Today, you will be with me in Paradise.” 

I can’t tell you how to be a friend in every situation, but I can tell you where to start.  Start with Jesus.  “Jesus knows all about our struggles; He will guide ’til the day is done: There’s not a Friend like the lowly Jesus: No, not one! no, not one!”