“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. 

“I know you are, but what am I?” 

These classic playground taunts contain profound truths and are closely related.  Allow me to explain.

In 1946, a British psychoanalyst by the name of Melanie Klein coined the term “projective identification”.  Klein believed infants project intense feelings onto their caregivers, and the response of their caregivers, in turn, impacts the infants.  In time, this notion gained popularity in adult therapy, where clients were known to project feelings onto their counselors, and counselors occasionally accepted them as truth.  Consider these examples with the struggle of insecurity as our reference point: 

In a counseling session, a client might project personal insecurities onto a counselor.  This is a common human defense mechanism we all use in varying degrees when we wish to avoid the proverbial “man in the mirror” (James 1:23).  In most instances counselors recognize what is occurring and skillfully manage the projection.  However, in some cases, a counselor identifies with the projection because of his own insecurities.  In so doing, he becomes inducted into his client’s drama, significantly reducing his effectiveness.

Outside of the counseling room, this dynamic might occur when an insecure individual is repeatedly critical of another person’s performance and the other individual internalizes the projection and begins to lose confidence in his own ability.  There is nothing necessarily wrong with constructive criticism, and paying attention to honest feedback is one of the ways we grow.  But criticism that flows from insecurities, fears and doubts rarely brings about healthy results. 

I have been vulnerable to this dynamic in the past, and still fret over unwarranted criticism.  But now, I pay closer attention to the possibility of projections.  I have learned to be cautious of people who have trouble admitting their own mistakes, and who insist on debating a case until they have justified their position to their own satisfaction.  It is possible they are knowingly or unknowingly transmitting their own insecurities, hoping I will embrace them as my own.  With this understanding, I am able to be sensitive to the war inside of my critics, grant them space to process their feelings and treat them gracefully. 

I will add that it is possible for projective identification to impact entire groups.  More than one organization, church or community has embraced a poor self-image because someone characterized them unfairly.  As one who loves the church, I find it particularly disheartening when someone accuses the Lord’s people of faults that are evident in their own lives, such as hypocrisy, injustice and prejudice.  We all have faults, and the Lord’s people will do well to hold one another accountable to biblical values, but critics who project their own weaknesses are not coming from a helpful place and they are not producing kingdom fruit.

I admire Jesus for many reasons, but especially for His ability to avoid the trap of projective identification (with the possible unique theological exception of His willingness to take our sins on Himself on the cross, which was intentional).  Throughout His ministry, the Pharisees accused Him of being a sinner, a blasphemer and a hypocrite, in an attempt to draw attention away from their own flaws.  Jesus didn’t respond by saying, “Oh, gee.  Maybe I need to pay closer attention to my behavior.”  Instead, He said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick” (Matthew 9:12). 

Again, when the Teachers of the Law and Pharisees brought an adulterous woman to Jesus, they said, “The law of Moses says to stone her.  What do you say?”  (John 8:5) They were hoping to cast Jesus as a law-breaker.  But Jesus turned the tables on them and said, “Let the one who is without sin throw the first stone” (John 8:7).

I realize we are not perfect like Jesus.  And we certainly should not reject constructive criticism and heap guilt on those who are loving and courageous enough to tell us things we need to hear.  We also can’t read people minds or discern their motives perfectly.  But we can guard against adopting other people’s struggles as our own.  When we are successful in this, we are more prepared to remain objective as we attempt to love them.

We will also do well to consider our own projections.  Most people will see through our insecurities and take our words with a grain of salt (although, I don’t think we should place this burden on others if we can avoid it).  But a few could be adversely affected by our behavior and believe things about themselves that are untrue and harmful.

“Sticks and stones might break our bones, but words will never hurt us.”  Unless we take them to heart. 

When was the last time you let the baseless words of others ruin your day, or cause you to think less of yourself than you should?  Remember, it is OK to disagree with what others say about you, even if you just smile and chuckle inside.  I have to think Jesus did this more than once.