Have your internal messages ever conflicted?  In other words, has a part of you wanted one thing while another part of you wanted another?  In answer to these questions, you might say, “Well, of course!”  But did you know these “parts” can hold the secret to transforming your life, along with your relationships? Allow me to explain.

We all have parts.  Some people bristle at this statement because they recall movies about people with “multiple personalities” where characters struggled with mental illness or committed violent crimes.  The idea that we are made up of parts doesn’t immediately appeal to us if we believe we are fairly normal, functioning human beings.  I will let you determine what “fairly normal” means in your case.

However, just because a multiple personality disorder (now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder), is an acute mental health ailment, doesn’t mean the fundamental traits of the mind leading up to it are abnormal. 

The notion that we all have parts was theorized by Richard C. Schwartz in the 1980s in his development of his “Internal Family System”.  Just as physical families have external systems that involve dynamics between their members, we all have internal family systems made up of parts. 

What is an Internal Family System and how does it function?  When a part of us is threatened with physical harm, emotional abuse, a terrifying event or some other trauma that part becomes an “exile”.  We bury our experience inside as a means of self-preservation.  Internal family members known as “protectors” stand guard over our exiles.  Some of our protectors are “managers”.  These turn the hurts we feel into productive, though sometimes harmful activities, such as obsessive-compulsive behaviors.  The goal of managers is to shield our exiled parts from any and every potential danger.  Other protectors are “firefighters” since they rush to sooth our exiled parts through addictions and other quick fixes which temporarily mask our pain.  While it may seem as though our protectors are our worst enemies, they are actually trying to keep us from further injury by keeping our exiles in their hidden places where they can avoid being hurt again.  The task before us is to identify our exiles, and convince our protectors we mean well.  Only then can we motivate them to stand down and let us love the parts of ourselves that are locked away in time. 

When I first heard about the Internal Family System, it seemed very odd to me, but the more familiar I became with its concepts, the more sense it made.  I was fortunate to encounter Jenna Riemersma’s book “Altogether You”, where she delves into this theory from a Christian perspective.  Jenna equates the “self” as “the image of God”, and believes there were no exiled parts until sin entered the world.  At that moment life became conflicted as human beings sought ways to deal with their own sins as well as the sins committed against them.  Jenna references Paul’s words in Romans 7:15 where he wrote, “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do”.  Paul describes the drama playing out inside of him as his parts war with one another.  And he attributes this struggle to sin. 

There is no one way people protect their exiles, as individuals react differently to past experiences.  For example, one child of an alcoholic parent might rely on addictions (firefighters) to cope with feelings of insecurity and perfectionist thinking, while another child in the same family might obsess with achievements (managers) to address the same feelings.  The first child is often more approachable, but self-destructive, while the second child is more prone to lead others, while lacking compassion and the ability to admit mistakes.  If the parent’s alcoholism was a family secret, there is a chance both children will refuse to be honest about issues in their own lives or the lives of their created family members.

What this means is (and this is a very important point), while we need to allow God to address sin in our lives as He restores His perfect image in us through Jesus, we can grow in new ways when we identify our exiled parts and work with our protectors to allow us to address our issues.  I believe this is one of the places where the Holy Spirit comforts us and we allow Jesus to love the parts we have been afraid to face.  There isn’t time or space here to share some of the methods we might use in this journey, except to say we can do much of the work ourselves, or enlist the help of a counselor.  Yet, there are a couple of principles worth noting.

First, it is good to know the same Jesus that gives us the strength and wisdom to improve relationships around us also provides what we need to heal parts within us.  How would it feel to be confident the parts of yourself you hate are actually good parts that need to be loved and welcomed back into your life? 

Secondly, if we can help our exiled parts on the inside, we can make headway with our relationships outside.  Have you ever thought about the possibility the reason you lash out, criticize, cast blame or shrink in the face of criticism is because your protectors have found ways to defend exiled parts inside that remind you of experiences you don’t want to remember?  Wouldn’t it be great to be able to stop yourself before you act or speak in ways that are harmful by recognizing you are responding to a drama that has little to do with the present or the people you are with at the moment?

If you are interested in finding out more about Internal Family Systems, I recommend Jenna Riemersma’s book.  You could have exiles who are hoping against all hope you will come looking for them and find a way to love them.  If nothing else, a better understanding of how our internal parts work might lead you to ways you can help others find healing and wholeness. 

We all have parts, and our parts desperately want to participate in the image of God our Savior is restoring in us.  What are your parts telling you today?